Mother where art thou—She was 3

ToMicki

By the age of 3 she had suffered some pretty serious physical abuses at the hand of her mother. It’s hard to imagine a mother striking out at her child and beating them into submission. Mothers are supposed to protect and nurture build you up not tear you down. Mothers are supposed to teach their daughters how to be a woman. Mothers are supposed to give you wings and help you fly. All her life she never knew anything but darkness. Somewhere deep inside that little 3 year old it started to rain and the sad part is her life would be filled with storms and pretty soon she would begin to accept that as normal.

She’s said I love the rain, I identify with the rain, I love gloomy days and I would ask why and she said because I identify with them. Never really knowing why because you see, she had no memories. Of course she knew her name, her family, things like that but she had no memories of being small and it bothered her when someone asked her if she remembered this or that and she had no idea what they were talking about.

She did have one memory of darkness, being surrounded by darkness. Long into adulthood one day her mother said you are a bad influence to children, you have always been bad ever since the day you were born. She said it was as if the shades were pulled back and in her minds eye she saw a little girl crouched in the corner of a dark room, covering her head with her arms, bruised, dirty and her face stained with tears. The memory she could not get out of her mind. It bothered her when she awakened in the middle of the night she saw that little girl in her mind. Sitting at her desk one day all of a sudden it was as if a flood happened in her mind and someone had turned a movie projector on fast forward all these memories came forefront to her mind. At first she sat there stunned wondering why she would think such things. She called her sister and told her of the memories in her mind and her sister said, “Mom used to do that to me.” She could not breath, she didn’t know rather to cry or scream her voice was stuck in her throat. Then out came the story her sister had to tell and she cried for her sister. She was haunted by what her sister told her and then she realized all those memories that came flooding into her mind were her memories. Her mother locked her in her room or in the closet till her dad came home because that’s what you did with little girls that were bad. She was a shameful little girl her mother would say she begged her mom not to lock her up. She crouched in the corner because next came the swatting at her wildly with her hands and fists till she lay helpless on the floor in a puddle. Screaming at the top of her lungs her mother would pace outside the door. How scared she was, how she wished her mother would be pleased with her. One time she got out of her room and went to the couch and pretended she was asleep thinking if her mother saw her sleeping sweetly she would let her stay in the living room but that was not the case.

When she grew up she became very confrontational, aggressive, suspicious, argumentative, belligerent, questioning authority, and down right mean. She picked fights with bullies. What really got under her skin were people that mistreated others she’d fight them sometimes physically other times with her words. By the time she was an adult she learned she could not go around punching the lights out of an offender so she learned how to use her words. The very words you are reading right now. Because that little 3 year old girl is me.

 

  • MichelleMarie

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22 thoughts on “Mother where art thou—She was 3

  1. Nobody should ever go through something like this… It breaks my heart. And I wish there would be something, someone out there who could go and save all those little girls (and boys) out there. Unfortunately it is not the case… But I think you do a great share in helping others by sharing your story and I find it so amazingly brave.

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  2. MichelleMarie, you were so brave to share your story last year and doubly brave to share it again here. Thank you. I missed it the first time so I’m glad that I was able to read it here. It’s a story that needs to be heard. I have my own story but I’m not brave enough to share it yet even though it’s nowhere near as bad as yours.
    How wonderful that you have broken the chain. You are such a loving mother and auntie, and your kind heart shines through all of your posts, despite having gone through such horror and deprivation as a child. That the harm was inflicted by your own mother when you were too young to protect yourself is the worst kind of betrayal. I feel for you, and for all those innocents today who are suffering at the hands of those who are supposed to be protecting them. Thank you for giving them a voice. ❤

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    • Yes today is my mother’s birthday. You all are witnessing my life coming full circle right before your eyes. I have not had contact with my mom for 3 years I had to shut down so I could heal. WP is part of that. What you see on my blog is my healing! Day by day post by post the little girl in me is on WP. See I was not able to create or design and I needed a safe place and WP is that for me. I photographed the dawn sunrise for my mother because I already sent her the beautiful bag, and now I will give her something from my heart as well the beautiful sunrise I witness everyday. 50 years later I stand before you whole, healed and well. HUGE hugs.

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    • http://wp.me/p3mUBo-dQ
      Here the link sweet one~Now you know my story. I will link the rest in case you are interested to my blog! It’s healing and it’s ok now! I’m ok now. I want to tell you that Gigi and Melanie have helped give me courage to share. The choosing of my logo was huge because no one even chose me. I’ve always been invisible till I came to WP! This is so much more then a logo it’s like my life is blooming! I love Gigi she is one of my dearest friends. No one encourages me like she does. Sweet Melanie is so wonderful and like the best cheerleader a person could hope for! Huge Hugs again!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yes today is my mother’s birthday. You all are witnessing my life coming full circle right before your eyes. I have not had contact with my mom for 3 years I had to shut down so I could heal. WP is part of that. What you see on my blog is my healing! Day by day post by post the little girl in me is on WP. See I was not able to create or design and I needed a safe place and WP is that for me. I photographed the dawn sunrise for my mother because I already sent her the beautiful bag, and now I will give her something from my heart as well the beautiful sunrise I witness everyday. 50 years later I stand before you whole, healed and well. HUGE hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on Tell me about it and commented:
    This is Me~One of my very first posts here on WP~Mother where art thou—She was 3~Most of you don’t know this about me but my closest friends do. See I came to WP a broken women with a secret and you sweet friends have given me courage an acceptance I found no where else. Have a blessed day! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Michelle, I am crying after reading this post. I’m sorry that you were mistreated by your mother. I am so proud of you for being able to forgive her. It’s very difficult, but it is necessary in order to live a productive, and meaningful life. You are one heck of a lady! God bless you my friend! 🙂
    Thank you for sharing this, I know it must have been difficult. I believe it is a start to healing.

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  5. This is a truly heart breaking story. I am so glad you found good friends on WP to help you heal. In the end only forgiveness will break the cycle of bitterness. It definitely worked for me.
    Best wishes, Irina ❤

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  6. My heart breaks for you! HUGS. I never knew your story until now. I missed the post the first time you published it. God bless you. You have come a long way in healing. Praying for you sweet friend.

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